The other night I was flicking through the channels and found a rerun of Sex and the City that I had seen before but watched again. There is something ultimately comforting about Sex and the City, something familiar that I totally enjoy. So the episode saw Carrie wondering why she was turning down a date with politician man until Miranda pointed out it was probably the bad break up with Big that was coming between her and any other potential relationship.
Wow! That one hit home with a bang. Six years and four months ago the man who I thought was my soul mate (don’t worry – I now realise he was just another self-centred, narcissus bastard) dumped me for no reason that he chose to give at the time. Actually he never gave me a reason. Ever.
I am now totally over him. I rarely even think of him any more. When I do it’s with a feeling of disbelief that I could have ever been so naïve, so stupid to have fallen for him. But still the bad break up makes me wary of forming another relationship.
As soon as I sense a man becoming interested in me, I can feel myself loading that invisible barrier between us. I physically recoil from him and retreat into my shell. I can be extremely sociable with gay men or married men – both of whom are very safe to be around – but show me a single man and I will show you the quickest exit to the door.
Now don’t assume that I am yearning to be in a relationship because I’m not. I’m comfortable with my life and I’m not sure I am ready to share any part of it with any one else. It’s just an interesting situation to be in. Almost like an out of body experience – me watching myself backtrack at speed from any semi interested male. It’s a comedy of sorts.
I have no doubt that when I’m ready for a relationship something will come my way. The Universe tends to deal with these things in its own way. Until then I will try valiantly not to look too disgusted at any male advances. I will endeavour to smile politely and move away at not too rapid a pace!