When I was a child and a teenager and even a very young adult I didn’t have a care in the world. It was easy to live, love and laugh. I could walk down the road with a swing to my hips, a smile on my lips and the world spread out in front of me to enjoy. I believed in fairies, Santa Claus and angels. Life was so simple then. As a family we weren’t wealthy and my parents never gave me any pocket money, but I didn’t seem to want for much. Somehow I always had money to spend and friends to spend it with.
I moved out of home at 17 and tried a number of different jobs. I moved to another state at 22, got engaged at 23 and married at 25. Our first son was born when I was 28. By the time I was 39 the marriage was over. But through all those years I was still having fun. There was so much to fit into life and I was determined to squeeze in what I could.
But somewhere along the way life became more complicated, or maybe I complicated it. I can’t even pinpoint when it happened. Suddenly the money stopped flowing quite so easily and instead of fairies all I can now see are endless piles of laundry to wash, pantry shelves to fill and meals to cook. The horizon is a never ending collage of grey and there is not a rainbow in sight.
Instead of planning a new adventure, I’m calculating how to pay the bills. Instead of going out in the world, I’m cleaning the bathroom.
Last weekend all my boys were at home being their usual brotherly selves. There was much wrestling, dancing, singing and general jumping around going on and all I could think of was potential holes in walls or broken light fittings.
What happened? When did I stop seeing fairies in the garden? When did I stop enjoying life? Where did my sense of humor go?
I’m pretty sure I have to find those fairies again. I don’t think they have totally disappeared. They must be hiding somewhere. I’ll be looking for those angels too and hoping that Santa Claus shows himself this year. After all, it’s all about belief isn’t it? The belief we have in ourselves, in our family, in the power of the Universe... and fairies.
Maybe, if I just clap my hands...